Recognizing the Signs: Is Your Child's Online Life Overwhelming Them?
I've met many young people who feel completely overwhelmed by their online lives. Sometimes, it's subtle—small comments, fewer likes, or private messages that start to eat away at their self-esteem. I’d call these drops in the bucket–a leak that might still be able to be patched. But without intervention, these drops become a raging storm.
Take the girl I spoke to after a school session. She lingered near the door while her classmates filed out noisily for lunch. Noticing her, I asked, "Do you need to talk?" Nervously, she nodded, and began telling me her story.
"People in my group chat were saying horrible things about each other, and the gossip was out of control. One girl even started making rude comments about us on TikTok. I tried to escape it by scrolling on TikTok, but that made me feel worse. I kept seeing all these posts about weight and eating. Some of the girls had been fat-shaming another girl, and it's all pulling me in a bad direction."
She was trying to distract herself from the classic interpersonal drama of high school, but she ended up trapped in an even darker place online.
Then there was the young boy I spoke with who had fallen into the manosphere. He was small for his age, lonely, and struggling with self-esteem. He followed influencers preaching the gospel of toxic masculinity—how to bulk up, attract girls, and get rich. The more he consumed this content, the worse he felt.
As he spoke to me about these influences, I was reminded of Harvard's Project Zero research, which found that many children experience immense pressure on social media. But pressure to do what? One 13-year-old described it this way:
"On social media, everyone seems like they are far better and far ahead than me, which is stressful and makes me feel behind, unwanted, and stupid."
The boy I spoke with felt the same way. He was both angry and heartbroken, believing he could never live up to the ideals being forced on him. Trapped in an algorithm that kept feeding him harmful content, he spiraled into confusion and depression.
These stories are not unique. Social media spaces profit off of amplifying our insecurities, and our kids haven’t ever lived without this and do not automatically have the capacity to defend themselves.
Why Is This Happening?
Social media algorithms prioritize content that provokes strong emotional reactions. As Molly Crockett from Princeton University says, "Content that triggers outrage and that expresses outrage is much more likely to be shared."
When our children are young, we already have to work hard to make sure what they’re seeing on their screens is not inappropriate or harmful. But once they get older and start scrolling on social media, they’re not just seeing one negative post or image—they're being bombarded by it. This is because social media algorithms prioritize content that provokes strong emotional reactions. As Molly Crockett from Princeton University says, "Content that triggers outrage and that expresses outrage is much more likely to be shared."
Toxic group chat messages lead to TikTok videos filled with body-shaming or aggressive influencers offering bad advice. Over time, this endless stream of negativity can chip away at a child’s sense of identity and well-being, leaving them feeling hopeless or inadequate.
Early Signs Your Child Might Be Struggling
When your child is overwhelmed by their online experiences, you might notice the following signs:
Mood swings or irritability – These factors often combine, and your child may come across as short-tempered or emotionally volatile. Normal adolescent mood shifts are exacerbated by feeling drained and trapped by harmful narratives, both on and off social media, like the girl who sought relief from a toxic chat but found more negativity online.
Sleep disruption – Staying up late and scrolling through TikTok or other platforms can overstimulate their minds, making it hard to sleep. The girl I spoke with admitted to spending hours under the covers with her phone. Your child may come across as unreasonably exhausted.
Avoidance of activities – Some children withdraw from their friends or hobbies and get drawn into their online echo chambers. The girl I spoke with was hiding out alone, avoiding facing difficult conversations by going further into a toxic online space. Children may also avoid spaces or activities with no phone or internet access to ensure they can still connect to their online identity.
Dependence on validation – They may constantly check for likes, comments, or other feedback, tying their self-worth to online approval. This may look like constantly checking notifications or refreshing their feed. A clear signal is if their phone use increases dramatically in the hours after they’ve posted online, or if they’re spending a long time capturing and/or editing images or videos.
Change in routine & neglect of Self-care – Skipping meals or generally ignoring routines can be a red flag that something is wrong emotionally. A sudden shift in routine or abnormal interest in specific foods or products may be a sign that they’re following unhealthy lifestyle advice they’ve found online. A sudden lack of self-care (shifts in diet, hygiene habits, time spent outside/in daylight) is an early sign of depression.
How You Can Help
If you're worried about your child, here are some practical steps you can take to support them:
1. Start the conversation
One of the most important things you can do is let your child know you're there for them. They may not want to talk initially, but you can help by sharing your experiences. For example, say:
"I saw something really upsetting online today. Do you ever come across things like that?"
This makes it easier for them to open up. Remember, they might be afraid of disappointing you or adding to your stress, so it's essential to reassure them that you want to know what's going on. If you want, you can also help them identify those they can talk to–a guidance counselor, a therapist, or a relative–if they’re still not comfortable talking to you.
2. Set screen-free zones
Establish times when everyone, including you, takes a break from screens. Mealtimes and bedtime are great moments to disconnect and be present with each other. Explain that these breaks give the mind time to rest and reset. Your child having a reliable time during which they know neither of you are exposed or distracted to digital life also opens up spaces where they know conversations can happen.
3. Encourage offline activities
Help your child reconnect with activities they enjoy, like sports, hobbies, or creative projects. These experiences can build their confidence and provide a sense of purpose outside of digital validation.
4. Teach digital self-awareness
Guide your child to reflect on how content makes them feel. If they come across something upsetting, encourage them to pause and ask themselves: "Is this content helping or hurting me?"
Helping children practice this process can empower them to make healthier choices about what they engage with online.
5. Seek professional support if needed
If your child's mental health is deteriorating, consider consulting a counselor or therapist. Early intervention can prevent long-term harm and help your child develop healthier coping strategies.
Remember, therapy sounds more serious than it actually is. Ultimately, therapy is simply a safe space where your child can express themselves and know they’re protected by patient confidentiality. It’s a place where they form a relationship with an adult who is educated on the issues they’re facing, and has accredited techniques to help them. Ensuring that your child has a space to speak about these issues is the ultimate goal, even if it means you’re not always the one they’re sharing with.
The Power of Talking It Out
Sometimes, simply sharing their struggles can release a huge weight for children. Both teens I spoke with felt clearer and lighter after talking, especially because they knew it was a judgment-free zone. The girl I spoke with later told me that the conversation with her parents had gone much better than she expected and that she was now getting help from a therapist.
Tonight, take five minutes to ask your child how they're feeling and what they've been seeing online. You might be surprised by how much they have to share—and how much better they feel just by talking about it.
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–Allison Ochs, social pedagogue/worker, author, mother of three, wife
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