A few weeks ago, I was working with a group of students and discussing their gaming habits. I read them a story and gave them a simple activity: list the positives and negatives of gaming. 

The room was buzzing with energy as they drew from their experiences. They were excited to talk about gaming in a non-judgmental way. It may seem like this is a super progressive approach–maybe even too laid back of me, to let kids talk about how much they love what feels like a bad habit. But I didn’t always see it this way. Let’s jump back a few years to when my approach was much different:

When I first started serving on the Wellbeing Commission at the Global Esports Federation, I received extensive training in gaming addiction. It is also no surprise that I saw a lot of the negative sides of gaming, and I didn’t game myself. My son called me out on it. 

He said, "Mom, you hate gaming, and you're missing a lot. You don’t game, so you don’t understand what some kids are getting from it. If you want kids to take you seriously, you need to understand it better yourself. Stop being so negative!"

He was right, and his words stung. I had been too negative. So, I took a step back and asked him to teach me. With his friend’s help, we set up a PlayStation at home for a week. We played together, we laughed, I lost (a lot), and I asked a ton of questions.

That’s when I started to see things differently. My son loved narrative games—ones that tell a story. I did not know that about him, but it made sense to me. He had me listen to a podcast about gaming, and he talked about the music and its importance to the story. I was blown away by how much he noticed, by the details I would never have picked up on.

It turns out he was getting a lot from the game that I would never have imagined. Each child is different and they all have different risk factors but sometimes we, the adults, are projecting our own fears onto gaming. This isn’t to say that it’s not harmful, dangerous, or addictive: but kids simply won’t listen to us if they think we don’t get it in the first place. 

What Are Kids Really Getting From Gaming? 

When asked about positives and negatives, students are suprisingly balanced. Their answers are consistent across the board, no matter where I am teaching. 

Here’s what they often say are the positives:

• Stress relief: Gaming provides a way to unwind after a tough day.

• Connection with friends: For many, this is where they meet and chat with friends.

• Fun: Sometimes, it’s just about having a good time.

• Building confidence: Completing challenges and succeeding in games boosts their self-esteem.

And the negatives?

• Bad language: Many games have players using inappropriate language.

• Hate and toxicity: Online gaming communities can sometimes be hostile or aggressive.

• Sexism and violence: These issues exist in some games and gaming spaces.

• Addiction and escapism: They know that sometimes gaming can become too much, or be used as an unhealthy escape.

• Bad people: They’re aware that not everyone they meet online has good intentions.

In elementary school, most students I’ve worked with are capable of understanding these pros and cons, and by age 12, they have a high level of awareness. Yet, for the most part, the adults in their lives—whether at home or in schools—aren’t always listening to their nuanced feelings. When adults don’t understand what kids do love about gaming, kids feel pushed to defend their hobby. It’s only when we slow down to talk about both sides that kids open up about the aspects of gaming they struggle with.  

What Experts See is What Kids Experience

Experts will often list the same pros and cons, just using fancier terms. But the key thing to remember is that children understand these dynamics early on—they just need someone to listen and guide them through it. Understanding what they like and dislike about gaming can help you understand what they’re struggling with in the real world–are they avoiding certain situations? Is there a trigger? Do they need more strategies to deal with stress? 

Your child is an expert on their gaming experience, and they’ll often understand both the positive and negative aspects better than you might think. By asking questions and listening without judgment, you can help them navigate gaming in a healthy, balanced way.

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–Allison Ochs, social pedagogue/worker, author, mother of three, wife

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