Recently, I was asked by a student to examine a text conversation that upset her. She was feeling hurt by a text a friend had sent her, but she didn’t quite know why. The friend wasn’t saying anything explicitly mean, but when I took a look I felt bad for this girl and knew immediately what was wrong. This is what the message said:

“I think you are a really nice person and appreciate you as a friend but I feel you reach out a lot and it actually makes me anxious. I want to be there for you but let’s keep our distance for now.”

So what’s wrong with this message? She starts off well. “I think you are a really nice person and appreciate you as a friend.” But when she follows that up with a ‘but,’ all that came before is suddenly invalidated. Next, this ‘friend’ talks about how the girl she is texting is making her anxious. But anxiety is an internal problem. Yes, outside circumstances do affect people, but there’s a much better way to talk about this friend feeling overwhelmed by the amount of messages than by saying bluntly that this girl is “making” her anxious. 

Finally, she says two opposing things. “I want to be there for you,” then, “but let’s keep our distance for now.” This felt like a vague way to break up, and sure enough, it turned out that this message was not very honest and was actually a way to end the friendship. 

I wanted to start with this example because I do think our kids today, especially teens dealing with larger problems, struggle with how to communicate properly over friendship breakups, distance, stress, and expectations. In my opinion, these conversations shouldn’t happen over text at all, but it is a reality that teens have to deal with. I think that our kids and students are struggling with how to be kind, but in reality they end up being superficially nice. 

There’s a lot of information on the internet about how to “set expectations,” especially on social media platforms. As poor mental health and wellbeing rises among both adolescents and the general population, people are sharing ‘resources’ on how to set what they’re calling boundaries. One has even turned into a meme on x. 

There's also TikToks like these:

Confidence is the key to maintaining friendships and only allowing pos... | TikTok

So far this has never failed me :) #boundary #boundarysetting #persona... | TikTok

Small circle, I’m good. #boundaries | TikTok

My boundaries keep me sane 🫡 I know someone needs to hear this.. #bou... | TikTok

My difficulty with this kind of content is that…well, doesn’t this all sound a bit corporate to you? These ‘strategies’ are not one-size-fits-all, and can be easily misunderstood without context and practice. There ARE different ways of being honest with friends that don't close off or “cut off” the friendship. Friends are not business clients. You can value your time and speak candidly about what kind of space you have someone or even end a friendship without being falsely nice.

It is true that humans can only really handle about 15 close relationships. This is way less than the ‘friends’ we’re exposed to on Facebook or the followers we have on Instagram. I can understand how, in a digital age, this can confuse our expectations of mere acquaintances and become super overwhelming. 

So let’s return to the message that got me thinking on this.  

“I think you are a really nice person and appreciate you as a friend but I feel you reach out a lot and it actually makes me anxious. I want to be there for you but let’s keep our distance for now.”

If you need to have this kind of conversation with a friend, if at all possible it should be in person. Communication is not just words: it happens with body language and facial expressions too. For example, if in person, you say something to a friend and you are overstepping, you will see it on their face and can soften things with your tone and your choice of words. Sometimes, sending a text instead can just be a way of not having to feel guilty for the impact you’re having, especially if you know your message is harsh. 

If you absolutely cannot meet with a friend, then a video chat would be my next choice. If neither is possible, you can then move to text. But if you are concerned about a difficult conversation, texting should not be your first choice. 

If you are going to go about having this kind of conversation with a friend over text, here’s how I would go about doing it. Let’s say you’re trying to talk to a friend about feeling overwhelmed by their messages. 

Start off with friendliness, and be honest about the vulnerable position you’re putting your friend in. 

For example: Hey [Name]. Can I talk to you about something? I really don’t want this to be hurtful at all, because I value you as a friend. If something I’m saying doesn’t sound right or doesn’t make you feel good, please let me know so we can talk about it. 

Use I-statements. 

This is the oldest advice in the book! This is also a super important part of proper communication, that I think a lot of advice on social media gets wrong. You should be vulnerable with a friend, and not close yourself off. For example:

…Lately I’ve been feeling quite overwhelmed by some things I have going on, and sometimes I feel like I can’t quite handle it all. I worry that I can’t be a good friend to you because of this.

Close with a question, and bring them into the solution.

Pose this struggle as a thing to be solved by both of you to maintain your friendship, not something for one of you to change or fix. 

…Do you think it would be okay with you if I was a little less available for a while? 

So what if you actually do need to end a friendship? You don’t owe friendship to everyone, but if you are friends with them, you do need to be kind. Don’t make a grand proclamation over the phone, or “cut them off” unless you’re facing serious harm–you can grow apart gradually, and hang out less often. Friendships, especially among teens, go through changes. But having been friends with someone at one time, even if you’re not anymore, means that you do owe it to that person to treat them as valuable and worthy of respect.

My advice at the end of all this is to be honest. Don’t say things you don’t mean, or make promises you can’t keep. Be honest about what you’re going through, and don’t put the blame on others. 

Tips for teaching good communication: 

• In person: We have to teach our kids the importance of being in the room. Even if a child or student doesn’t feel comfortable saying things out loud, why not suggest writing to each other across from a table? It sounds silly, but I’ve used this very strategy myself. This way, you can have the ‘thinking space’ afforded by writing and getting your words right paired with the physical responses of the person you’re having a conversation with. You can see their emotional responses and adjust your language accordingly. Texting in separate places just doesn’t leave space for the other person to react or misunderstand, and for you to clarify.

• Articulate and specific: Teach kids how to be specific about communication. This can be as simple as teaching I-statements: there’s much less of an accusation in saying “I feel _____when you_________” rather than “you make me feel _________”. This gives some room for the other person, already on the receiving end of a difficult conversation, to come into the space with you. 

• Teaching the difference between being nice and kind: this has a lot to do with social responsibility. In today’s digital age, we have become increasingly individualistic as a result of our isolation and toxic “me first” narratives online. Being a good community member doesn’t mean accepting bad behavior, but it does mean choosing to value history over burning a bridge. It means acceptance of others’ flaws, and adjustment of the level of intimacy you can handle accordingly, without cutting off a friend completely. 

• Knowing who your friend is to you, and who you are to your friend: There are many different types of friends. Teaching kids the different types of friends they have and what they should expect from those different types can help your kid avoid leaning on the wrong person.

• Practicing communication and different styles: practice makes perfect! Try these techniques when having difficult conversations yourself with your children. Talk about it after. When should certain communication techniques be used? What goes wrong in some of your conversations? What are they most comfortable with? Why? Should they step out of their comfort zone? When? When a friend’s behavior is really crossing a line, who can they turn to for help in resolving a conflict or taking distance? Modeling the respect that they should give others in your own communication with them is the first step.

–Allison Ochs, social pedagogue/worker, author, mother of three, wife

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