When I was learning to drive, I learned about blindsides. My teacher taught me how to look for things outside my field of vision, and I was sure I had it down pat. Then on my 16th birthday, I took my driving test. I was asked to park in an empty parking lot in the sleepy town I called home. In the moment, I forgot to check my blind spots. I didn't see a car pulling out from a banking drive-through and had to slam on my brakes. After I flunked that test, I haven't forgotten about blindspots and how quickly we overlook them in moments of stress and intensity–on and off the road. Every time I am blindsided, it stings. I sit and wonder how I could have let that happen, and it’s tempting to ignore the cause of the problem. But right now, we, as a society, are blindsided by what is happening online. By neglecting to face what is going on behind their screens, we are collectively leaving our children unprotected from online traps just out of our field of vision. 

What I hear from adults (educators and parents alike) about the online world, and my thoughts.

"Erectile dysfunction due to porn is a myth. Does it really exist in young men?"

Yes, it’s factually proven that it exists–and it is on the rise. I was recently speaking to a 26-year-old. He was asking me about my work and when I mentioned porn literacy and PEID (Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction) he sat up straight, looked at me intensely as he said, “Five of my close friends are struggling with this right now.” He then continued to tell me how he wished they had been informed at school when they were younger. All they were  told, while being barraged with pornographic images, was that “Porn is bad, don’t watch it” and felt shame for doing what felt unavoidable. 

"My child reads at night. He would never use his iPad to access porn. I mean, he is such a serious student."

If he is a good student, he will be curious–and he is also a sexual human being. The numbers of those who have viewed porn, no matter the sample group are all above 90%. One Swedish study reports 98% of boys have viewed porn by the time they are 18. I think it is a safe assumption he has looked. When I am working with students, they talk freely about how hard it is to avoid this with all the pop-ups and ads. It is not uncommon for a teen to get a message that ‘Gaby’ is 5 km away and horny! They all laugh and discuss how they sometimes try to click porn away but instead accidentally access it, and then yes, they watch a bit. 

"Girls don't look at porn."

62% have watched porn, and some are learning how to act in intimate moments from what they see online. 75% of 18-year-old women say “pornography has led to pressure on girls and young women to act a certain way”--while satisfying adult fantasies and curiosity, this is not an acceptable platform to learn about sex. One girl reported that she did not want to watch it, but boys put it on while she was with them, and she felt harassed. Another reported to me that she saw it on the school bus, and yet another told me that she started watching it herself to understand how to please her boyfriend. Some girls wonder if this is the role they are supposed to play and are freaked out by the extreme quality of what they see. Others start modeling that same behaviour. It is naive to think that porn is not affecting girls. Gen-Z celebrity Billie Eilish even reported the effects it had on her. Her feelings correspond 100% with what I am seeing and hearing from girls’ self-reports.

"Likes and comments don't matter."

Do you remember being a teen? Teens want to fit in and be liked. They might not admit this because they are trying to be cool. Don't you remember that? Didn't you act like you didn't care when you were a teen? Many don't post on public platforms and prefer Snapchat because they don't have likes and comments. How many students have zero posts on TikTok and Instagram? If they post, it is on private stories and to their closest friends. Why? Because they don't want to deal with likes and comments. One girl told me she loves Snapchat because she can share what she is doing with her friends and doesn’t have to worry about likes. Another student told me BeReal with a close friend group is nice because you just share with those you care about,and then it is gone. Our students are clearly affected by the psychological effect of likes and comments and are taking active steps to avoid having to deal with them.

"I can't take their device away. They need it to connect with friends. It is part of their world. I will teach them to deal with it."

A phone is a tool, but you don’t want it to become your child’s crutch. There is truth to the point that they need to learn to effectively live alongside it, but this means learning when to put it away. This helps teach the lifelong skill of strong self control, especially in our “attention economy.”Statistics show that too many distractions can run the risk of limiting mental self care. The younger the student, the more they need our help with saying no.  A young student told me last year that it was impossible to stop watching TikTok. “The algorithm is so accurate, Miss, and I get lost watching.” These same conversations happen around gaming. Our teens are getting co-opted by an algorithm that does not have their best interests or their health at heart–but we as parents and teachers do. While these companies see our kids as products, content producers, and consumers, we need to be stepping up to show them that we believe they can be happy individuals, students with control over their lives, and everything else a kid can and should be. 

"I give up." "This is an upward battle I don't want to fight. I mean, what's the point?"

You are not alone in wanting to give up. Please don't! I know it is hard, but I don’t think giving up on our youth is an option. They are the future, and it’s up to us to help them create the world they want to inhabit. The point is you are protecting your child. Stay strong.

"I think my child would come to me if they were upset."

Students tell me they don't. Why? Because we don't understand their online spaces and most likely would get very angry if we saw how they were communicating and some of the things they do online. 

"Parents don't attend these sessions, especially those who need them." 

This is true. This doesn't mean we should not keep trying. Creativity, openness, and searching for inroads from many angles is necessary to get parents engaged. We also need to take responsibilty as a community. It takes a village. 

"This is not my job!"

If you are an educator, protecting children is part of that role. Every teacher in every subject has a role to play. This can only be achieved if we work together. 

"The parents are allowing it; what can we do?"

This list is very long. But just a few suggestions:

• Start young.

• Teach them about why they should use tech less.

• Set an example.

• Use tech only when there is an educational purpose.

This is a workshop subject waiting to be taught, or possibly a future keynote with hints of humor and intergenerational connection on the big stage.

"What can we do? The school gave them the devices and forced them to use them."

Set rules, work with the school, and trust me, the school will support you. If they don't, contact me. 

Why are we getting this wrong?

There are three main areas where trying to keep our children safe feels like it always goes wrong. 

On a political level

The first is on a political level. We need some laws and regulations and governments are struggling to keep pace with the fast moving world of consumer-facing big tech. If you are against regulation, I'd like you to think back to when cars were made. We did not have traffic laws, we did not have seatbelts, and we did not have car seats. When we realized ways we could actively intervene, prevent injuries, and save lives, governments started making rules that now feel like common sense. The same needs to happen with the companies that profit off of the internet’s lack of regulation, and some countries are actively working on this even as I write.

At home

Parents feel left alone, do not have enough training, and are confused and frustrated. They report that the messages they receive are mixed. Schools need to offer parents help and guide them to resources and professional training, so that they might have the knowledge and support to implement change within the home. 45% of parents report that they rely on teachers for this type of information and advice, yet the teachers don’t always have the tools and information.

There is a further problem that we are facing at home. A common narrative within the nuclear family often doesn’t exist. I asked parents of teens if they had watched Stranger Things or knew of it. Not even 25% of the parents in the room knew the show. I find that most parents don't watch the shows their children watch, they don't play the same games, or hang out on the same platforms their children do. And they, too, report they are digitally distracted. If Norman Rockwell were alive to paint a family picture, it would not even be of a family sitting around a TV. This image would need to depict each family member in a separate space, headphones on and face lit up, staring into their online world. 

At School

Schools are so busy with an already packed curriculum that we don't have the time and space to do what needs to be done. About five years ago an educator said to me, 

"At our school, we have this covered. We don't have problems because we have a tremendous social-emotional team."

This comment should receive a prize for naiveté. The person standing across from me noticed as I opened my mouth like a fish out of water, gasping for air. 

I don't think any school is free of digital drama. I heard through the educator grapevine that this same school had to expel students over a digital fiasco just two years after this comment was made: evidently, they did not “have it covered.” If you think you don't have problems linked to the online world, just look at the numbers of your students with mental health issues. 

There are problems we quickly see, like online bullying, sexting, and offensive language, and then there are the problems lurking under the surface. These blindspots are harming our youth, and I do not think enough of us are as concerned as we should be. Jonathan Heidt and Jean Tweenge have clearly documented the rise in teen mental illness and linked it back to social media. The like button was a game-changer for social media and the companies that now profit from the subtle advertisement streams it enables. Since then, filters, sexualisation on TikTok, endless scrolling, and countless other issues have stormed into our children’s bedrooms and classrooms alike. 

What can you do right now?

Name the problem and talk about these blindspots judgment-free. Let's stop pretending the kids are alright, and face these issues head on. This can be started in a few ways:

• Give students time away from devices and spaces to be teens. Encourage events that are for teens and if you want pictures, use polaroids (or a professional photographer) –  no phones. Let them have fun together and just be. At one school, I do device-free weekends away with students.The results are amazing: Uno cards, guitars, singing, flirting, while knowing you don't have a message to answer, that no one will take your picture, and simply being free of the host of online attention-based stressors gives students much-needed relief. 

• Offer your teachers PD and time to ponder how they might integrate digital citizenship into their classrooms. There is a place for this in every classroom. 

• Give parents the resources they need and also a chance for PD. Yes, parenting is hard, and we also need professional development. This needs separate time where we as parents can take these issues seriously.

• Involve your students without judgement. We need to listen to what they are encountering online, and for this to be a truthful reflection of their experiences, they need to feel comfortable communicating without the fear of consequences. 

• Politicians need to hear what we are worried about: we as teachers, we as parents, and we as students. The log off movement is about student voices, and I think we can help our students use their voices by helping them find places to advocate for themselves. 

• Find out what websites need to be blocked and are harmful to teens and write politicians warning them. There is one platform which should be banned in every country but is so far only banned in Germany and Australia. It is a suicide social media platform. The New York Times reported on this site extensively, and any adult working with youth needs to be aware. 

• Reevaluate the tech used in your schools. Brainstorm on how to improve your use and ensure that tech is used with intention. If the intention is missing, that tech should be neatly stored away, out of sight. 

Conclusion

I celebrate everything we are doing to protect children in schools. The progress since the advent of unregulated tech has been incredible. We, however, have a blindside that we are failing to address, with real-life consequences facing our children. I asked a friend of mine, Jane Foster, for advice on this piece. She is also an expert in child protection and during our discussion she said something powerful. She thinks we are starting to look over our shoulder when it comes to online child protection. But when we see the truck heading straight for us, honking, we react like deer looking into the headlights: we don’t change course, slam on the brakes or make any correction until there is damage. I have thought a lot about why we do this? I think part of our blindside is because we are part of that problem. Our own relationship with technology as adults is also problematic. As hard as it is, we need to do the right thing too. If we don’t, the consequences could be dire. We are currently walking into a storm and are not doing enough to reduce the damage or, even better, avoid it all together.

–Allison Ochs, social pedagogue/worker, author, mother of three, wife

Photo by Unsplash

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