The question of when you should get your child their first phone is both complicated and straightforward to answer. It is also a question I am asked at every single workshop.

THE EASY ANSWER:

 As late as possible, most experts don't advise a smartphone before fifteen.

If you have a child, you will start laughing just about now. FIFTEEN!! That isn't even imaginable for most of us with children, yet that is the advice. 

 

MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES

I am a mother, an expert in this domain, and my children had a phone before they were fifteen. Why did I give in? Why did I buy them a phone before they were fifteen? 

The answer is simple. I felt they needed the phone to connect with others, be part of their generation, and take part in school group chats. One day, one of my children came home and was outraged. The teacher had asked the children to use their phones in class for a quiz. My child didn't have one. This was uncomfortable, and I questioned my decision to hold off; essentially, I caved.

So what happened when I did get them a phone? Let's take the reasons I mentioned above and analyze what happened. 

 

They wanted to connect with others:

I did not see any meaningful connection happening before high school. There were some messages sent, but these communications often ended in misunderstandings or hurt feelings in middle school. I realized very rapidly that the maturity to handle such chats was not there. Now in my work daily, I realize the digital drama of 10-14 year-olds is messy and augmented by their phone use. The connection does happen on occasion, but more often than not, it drives to loneliness, as kids sit alone on their phones.

 

To be part of their generation:

This was a success, I guess. They had a phone, played games, listened to things on the school bus, and could chat about the latest memes, social media posts, or scandals. Please note the content was not very deep, but on a side-note, I was not very deep as a young teen either.

 

Be part of school group chats:

Well, this was both a success and a flop. 

The success: They could ask someone for homework assignments and follow the group chat. 

The flop: Most of the time, those questions from any child were answered with mocking answers, like the following:

 

“You don't know that!”

“You can’t spell = dumb!”

“Nope”

“Learn to take notes”

 

THE HARD PART

How can you manage the pressure, because, trust me, your child will start asking as soon as their first friend has a phone? 

I think you should ask yourself the following questions:

• How mature is your child? Do they follow your rules? Do their homework? Do they do their chores without complaint?

• Does your child come to you with their worries and when they see things that trouble them? Is their communication with you open? Will they understand that you need to monitor things and keep them safe?

• Are you willing to put in the time? Yes, you need to be present and take the time to monitor their usage and teach them how to use their phone. Do they understand what it means to be a good digital citizen? How hurtful messages can be? That they need to communicate in a responsible and considerate manner online?

• Why do they want a phone? What is their need? Can you fill that need without them having a phone?

This last question is the most important to answer. How can you fill the need and let them learn to use a smartphone without having their own? Or is it time to get them a phone? I like thinking that there are steps to be taken before having a smartphone. One might be having a dumb phone first. Other parents use smartwatches. 

Have you thought of having your number used for the school group chat? Get a double SIM on your phone and let them add groups and chats, but they would need your phone to go on those chats, and you can monitor them and teach them how to navigate any toxicity they may encounter. 

A mother of a 14-year-old recently explained her method to me. Essentially, her child had a dumb phone to make calls and used her mom's phone for social media and chats. Everyone was happy and thriving. I love how this mom was able to navigate this with her children!  Learning from other parents is fantastic. 

If I could turn the dial back, I would take this route to begin with and then at some point transition to a smartphone. I would do this once I felt my child was ready. It would be like a learning permit. We do that for driving, so why not for a phone? Don't forget the damage that can be done by phones if we don't teach our children how to use them properly. 

Good luck with making your choice! 

–Allison Ochs, social pedagogue/worker, author, mother of three, wife

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