Seven Imperatives to Raising Teens
Recently I visited my parents. We were talking about screen time, parenting, and struggles. My mom paused, looked at me, and said, "Let me show you something." I followed her to her office. Now at 81, she is wise and thoughtful about the decisions she has made in her life. She freely discusses mistakes made, successes, and of course, the joys and trials of being a mother to eleven children.
We entered my parent's old-fashioned office, where you will find three outdated printers, piles of books, boxes of pictures, typed and handwritten documents from yonder years, and her old-fashioned filing system. There were treasures inside this filing system, and I was anxious to see them all. She handed one to me, "Read this and tell me what you think." Before I started reading, she explained, "When you were a teen, I wrote this, made photocopies, and I handed them out to other mothers I knew. It was a popular document. I had to reprint it several times. I wonder if parents today would find it useful."
I had tears in my eyes as I read this. My mom could have written a fantastic blog had she had the chance. I share with you her seven imperatives to raising teens. Her words from 1985, nothing altered. I even left her churchy bits in as I was raised in a very religious home.
1985 - Seven Imperatives from Mom
Raising adolescents can only be described as a challenging life experience! The spectrum of emotions, problems and rewards can, and usually do, include a roller coaster of events that keep parents both laughing and crying. Enjoy it --- learn from it -- flow with it --- and along the way, don’t forget to share with your “neighbor” the knowledge you have gleaned! The following are my seven imperatives --- just a few lessons I’ve learned and hold them so important that I don't consider them choices, but necessities! In basic English that means “ you have to even if you don’t want to”!
LOVE : Every single day without fail say it — I love you — (eye to eye). Touch them, at least a good all purpose hug daily. If they pretend that they don’t want it — tell them you need it for “fuel” to keep you going. This is called by Christ unconditional love! It gets easier with practice — trust me!
COMPLIMENT : Use the 2 for 1 formula. For every one negative or critical remark — two positives must follow before you are allowed another critical/negative. Some days this can almost stress your creative thinking process! If there are no negative remarks necessary on a given day — splurge — just give a bunch of positives. The rewards are great!
LISTEN : Teens need to discuss and talk through all the new ideas, questions, happys, and problems that they deal with daily. If you don’t listen they will find someone else who will. Ask them a lot of questions and don’t punish them for their answers … and never lie! All this takes a lot of time … often very late evening and a severe case of tiredness the next day, but the benefits are far greater than a spotless bathroom!
CONSEQUENCES: One of the most difficult! Guaranteed to pull at heartstrings, contribute to loss of sleep and produce healthy well adjusted adults. Be consistent enough to insist that your adolescent take the responsibility of their own actions! Be clear on rules, expectations, and consequences. Then have the courage to follow through. One great benefit: Younger children observe this well and carefully with older siblings — often greatly reducing the intensity of this problem later.
CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTS: You can’t be “at war” with your teens over everything. Some things are important enough to take a major dig in your hells stand over and others things are just not that earth shaking or eternal. So — choose your “fights” very carefully. It is far easier to think it out first and never put your feet on the battleground than to jump in and then have to retreat. Remember that there can only be so many “points of contention” -- choose the ones that are most important to their lives at that time!
NEVER GIVE UP: The worth of a soul (child) is great — sometimes our troubled kids just need to know that you won’t ever give up. Often that can be their only anchor. When you are so angry and hurt and disillusioned and your ego is non-existent, be “big enough” to know that they are in worse shape and need you (as a big person) fighting for them — reminding them of their worth — their heritage as a child of God — and your ultimate faith in them. And then — if and when they do “come back” accept with love and happiness what they have to give. In other words, don’t push — let them “ walk home” at their own speed!
Humor: This one is totally for the benefit of the parents! Never loose your sense of humor. Remember that crying is O.K. but laughing is sometimes much better medicine. To do this it is essential to identify someone who can help you keep your ego intact!
Just a few ending comments: most of the people I know are trying with all their might to be the best they can be — the best spouse, the best parent, the best homemaker, the best provider, the best child. We keep saying that we believe in the principle of free agency and the doctrine of “teach them correct principles and they will govern themselves.” Somehow when we come up against the heartache of a troubled teen we forget all of those teachings and spend much time beating ourselves with guilt. Guilt is very non-productive and takes a great deal of energy. That energy might be much better utilized by learning, analyzing and regrouping in an effort to continue loving, complementing, listening, choosing laughing and never never giving up!
Huntley Thatcher - An awesome mom of eleven children and Allison Ochs one of those eleven rascals
August 17th 1985 and December 2021
P.S. Sometimes we think things have changed but maybe we are just forgetting to look up and take note.
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